WHY SMART PEOPLE DO DUMB THINGS
Dr. Paul Kingsbury

All of us have done dumb things. But one of the dumbest things that anybody could have done is found in Genesis three. An intelligent man and an intelligent woman made a very dumb decision. This decision was so damaging that six thousand years later we still feel the repercussions of their dumb decisions.

Adam and Eve were no dummies. Adam’s first assignment when God made him was to name all the animals in the world. It takes a lot of intelligence to do that. When God made man in His own image, He didn’t make man dumb. He gave man a 3-pound brain that can do things that super computers cannot do!

What takes place in Genesis three is so intricate to our lives now. I consider this chapter to be one of the foundational chapters of the Bible. It is a key to understanding life, success, eternity, God, each other, and everything in between!

My life and ministry is consumed with people work. And I tell you, as I deal with their problems, I see daily that people do dumb things! Now, we are not speaking of uneducated, simple people here! It’s not even the backslidden Christian of whom we are speaking! If Adam and Eve were members of our local church, they would be the perfect couple! These were intelligent people!

First Timothy 2:14 helps us also better understand what took place on that fateful day in the lives of Adam and Eve. Speaking of that very occasion in the garden, God tells us that, “Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.”

If we paddle up the streams of sin to the headwaters, we are going to find two sources for why smart people do dumb things. Why the smartest man and woman in the world, living in the best of environments, still sinned. This was extremely dumb! It was for two different reasons. We will first look at Eve’s story and then we will look at Adam’s.

The Bible says that Eve was deceived. It does not mean that Eve was of any less intelligence. Sin by its very nature deceives us.

How was Eve deceived? Well, at that time, there was only one deceiver available—Lucifer, otherwise known as, the devil. In Isaiah 14 and Ezekiel 28, we find out that Lucifer had superior intelligence, beauty, and incredible skill in music. He was in charge of 1/3 of heaven’s angels! But through his pride, he attempted to be equal with God. This plunged him into the world as Satan. In John 8:44, Jesus said that he is the father of lies, the great deceiver. And at the core of sin in most people’s lives is a deception!

Sin by its very nature is deceptive. Paul put it this way in Romans 7:11, “For sin… deceived me, and by it slew me.” Sin is packaged to look so good! It never shows the real picture of sin. Proverbs 20:1 tells us that, “Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging; and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.” Sin is deceptive! The world ought to package the sin like it really is! They don’t show the Marlboro man just before death, eaten with cancer. Alcohol never tells of the broken lives, torn families, and regretful consequences. Why? Because sin is deceiving.

People can deceive you. “Deceive” is used 67 times in the Bible. Almost every time it is used it is warning the reader against being deceived by people.

Trace sin back to its roots, and we see that sometimes we sin because we are simply deceived! We actually think we are doing something that’s good, beneficial and helpful! And yet, we sin. Even though Eve was deceived, she still suffered the consequences. Even though you may have been deceived into sin, you will still suffer your consequences.

You see, the greatest deceiver is not Satan, it’s self. Jeremiah 17:9 tells us that “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” And that’s what makes this so difficult. We can often think that we are the ones that are okay. But in reality, we are being deceived. But that’s all part of being deceived—you don’t even know it!

Those on the outside, generally being authority, can clearly see the destruction of your foolish choices. But we decide, “Well, I just think it’s the right thing to do.” If it is contrary to God’s Word, then it’s not the right thing to do. You may say, “But I have such a good feeling about this!” Hang your feelings! If you live by your feelings, you will be like a yoyo. Feelings come and go, but God’s Word is eternal. He knows what is best for you.

When Eve took of that fruit, she thought she was doing something good for her husband, something good for her marriage, something good for the family! Why? Because sister Eve was deceived.

But a far more hideous and heinous crime occurred that day. Oh, yes it was more hideous and heinous than Eve’s. In fact, Adam’s sin was so great that God recorded in Romans 5:12 that, “…by one man (Adam) sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men.” What did Adam do? Adam went into this with his eyes wide open. Adam did not listen to the serpent as he suavely spoke to Eve and think, “Oh, this is a good idea!” He thought, “This is destructive! We can’t do this!”

You see, Adam’s sin was more hideous and heinous than Eve’s because here is what he did: He forsook his position under God’s authority, thus rendering himself ineffective as a leader in a position of authority in his own home to be the provider and protector of his wife. And by coming out from under his authority, Adam became his own authority, thus he lost his authority, and because of that, God said that his sin was the greater sin.

You see, if I don’t stay under God’s authority in my life, and I try to lead my wife and my family, my church, my responsibilities, whatever positions, whatever hats I wear among human relationships, once I vacate my proper position under authority, I marginalize my effectiveness in my positions of authority. That’s why their home imploded.

Sin can be traced back to the headwaters of rebellion against authority. You see, Adam’s sin was not the sin of deception; his sin was the sin of deliberation! He deliberately chose to sin, knowing full well what he was doing. Now, for you and me, six thousand years later, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is this: If you don’t deal with your sin biblically, you are going to destroy your life. I don’t care how ideal your marriage may be, you could have the nicest home like Adam and Eve did, you could have the greatest relationship with God, but if you get deceived by the devil, you will be destroyed. It doesn’t matter who you are; you can’t get into a position with God that you can’t be destroyed. And if you deliberately step out from under God’s ordained authority in your life, it will influence and impact your ability to lead others, and you will be responsible for destroying lives. It’s bad news, but it’s the truth.

The good news is this: Through confession of sin, forsaking of our sin, and trusting Jesus Christ, that sin can be broken. Glory to God! It is as if God puts up a dam at the headwaters and says, “You don’t have to be deceived. My blood can cleanse you from your sin and set you free. I can give you a sound mind, and you can make good decisions and good choices; you do not have to be deceived, glory to God!

And you can come back under His authority. God gave us authority for our protection. Put yourself back under that protection. You will find, smart friend, that it will keep you from making very dumb things!

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SUCH WERE SOME OF YOU

It is our responsibility to be the addictions treatment centers for our community. We ought not forsake this opportunity. In our church, you may walk in and be greeted by a former addict and you would never know it. You might be sitting next to one in your church pew. They are singing in the choir, serving in the different ministries… our students become active serving church members!

However, these miracles don’t come without “unique” happening. These become memories that you will later love. For instance, I had a husband and wife visit our church. They came up to me after the service to have me sign their books. When this distinguished couple approached me, the husband said, “Excuse me, Father, but could we have a word with you?”

I thought to myself, “I’ve got twelve kids and you don’t look familiar!” I didn’t say it, but I knew they were coming from a Catholic background. I didn’t bring out my latest Ian Paisley’s preaching sermon, nor did I make fun of them. I didn’t even rebuke them for that. I simply replied, “Welcome to North Love. We’re so glad you are here! How can I help you?”

They looked at me and said, “You know, this is the first time we’ve ever been in a Baaaaptist church! We thought Baptists rolled down the aisles! But nobody rolled down the aisles! We were taught you were a bunch of Holy Rollers! He inquisitively proceeded, “But, we’ve heard something we’ve never heard in the Catholic church all our lives!”

My friend, Jeremy. God has now blessed him with a beautiful Christian wife and children. When Jeremy first came here it took a while for the truth of RU to stick. First, I loaned Jeremy my car and he stole it. Can you believe that? He stole a preacher’s car! Not once, but twice! My wife said the first time it wasn’t my fault. But the second time? I have no excuse! The second time Jeremy ran away with it for a week. The car disappeared, he disappeared. He was living in it. Several days later I got a call from the police department from central Wisconsin. They found a vehicle registered in my name and had incarcerated the young man that was in it. They told me I could come get my car. But the police officer warned me that the car had been lived in and was not in good condition, if you know what I mean.

So, I called one of our deacons—Jeff Walker. Now, Jeff is a very distinguished, fastidious airline pilot. He is a very neat and clean kind of a guy. I asked him if he would like to go on a ride with me. So, he met me at the church and we headed to central Wisconsin. He eventually asked me what we were doing. “Oh, you’re going to help me pick up a car!” I responded. So, we got to the car, and it was worse than I had even imagined. It was really bad. The odor was unbearable. Jeff’s first question was, “Who’s driving that home?” I laughed.

The entire 90-minute mid-winter drive home all four windows were unrolled as Jeff’s head would reach out the driver’s window every few minutes gasping for fresh air.

But listen, when I walk through the doors on Friday night and I am greeted by a smiling Jeremy, or on Sunday mornings as I watch him with his new little baby and then see his attentiveness during the service and the tears rolling down his cheeks as I preach…it makes all those memories bring a smile to my face. It is worth it to invest in people! We have over 200 adults reached with similar stories. Not funny at the time, but all worth the hassle as I look back on it now.

Pastor Kingsbury

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“And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!”

(Luke 15:16-17)

Enablement defined is “any approach that provides means or opportunity.” A leading question among workers dealing with addicted people is, “How do I know the difference between enabling them and showing them love?” In the CD (available through Reformers Unanimous) entitled, “How to Minister to the Addicted”, I discuss three different models or philosophies in dealing with those who are addicted.

One of those models is the “impaired model of addictions.”  It deals with people who are looking at the actions and reactions of an addicted individual and judging that person based on what they see.  This model is prevalent in most churches today. They believe that it is just a lack of character that keeps this addicted individual bound and they just need to repent and exercise will power to stop their addiction.  However, but other times they will feel sorry for them and will continue to enable them-giving them enablement-a help that hurts! In this model of addiction, it is believed that the only treatment is to change the addict’s behavior through  shame, guilt, rejection, or by enabling them – which results in a deeper shame-based identity and stronger addiction.

To make this topic of “enablement” clearer, I want to list some examples to help you.  Many Christians want to help, out of a good heart and bowels of compassion, but that compassion should not be based on “soulical” needs of those we are trying to help, but rather spiritual needs. You see, you cannot help someone UNTIL they, just like the prodigal son mentioned in the verse above, come to the end of themselves. It does not mean that we do not help them, but it does mean that we do not enable them. In the years of watching some of our leaders here in Rockford minister to people that would have continued their habit; I want to present some situations in which you can show love without enabling:

1. If a student asks for food money -
   1. One who would enable them would give them money–quickly
   2. One who would love them could meet them at Wal-Mart and purchase the items the student needs, while spending time with them and developing them in spiritual ways.
2. If a student needs gas for his/her vehicle -
   1. Someone who would enable them would give them money. (Don’t ever give money! When a drug addict gets money they buy drugs!)
   2. Someone who would love them would take them to the gas station and put gas in their car for them, also spending time with them.
3. If a student’s car gets impounded for various reasons -
   1. A person who enables them will get their car out of the car impound without doing anything to help change their behavior.
   2. A person who would love them may look for other options (bus, bicycle, carpool,) without getting the car out of the car impound, to reveal to them that the consequences for our sin are inevitable, incalculable, and up to God. (Principle #9) We do not want to get in the way of what God is trying to do.

The Bible is clear that man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. The real need of an individual is not to change their circumstances on the outside, but to be used of God to change their heart. The very thing that needs to be changed, their heart, is often used to manipulate and control all circumstances to their advantage. Once someone in leadership clearly sees this pattern, through the eyes of God’s love, they will realize (like the prodigal son’s father) that there was a time to give his son his inheritance with no strings attached. This was necessary for the son to get him in the position where no man was willing to give to him again to help him continue his behavior, his life style, and his heart’s appetites and desires. At Reformers Unanimous, we know that God will put a new heart in every believer, and that the power of the Gospel is able to transform anyone’s life – if they are willing to turn.  In summary, that for which an addict may be asking is not really what they need; and what you would like to do for them may not be what He would like to do in them. One thing is for sure, God has bestowed upon us His love, given us His Spirit, and the fruit of that Spirit is love, and may God help every one of us to demonstrate that I Corinthians 13 love in a way that would help people without hurting them.

Current Housing Needs

Don’t ask-Tell!

Understanding Nehemiah’s view in sharing his needs to people…

“We don’t ask man for money, we ask God-He owns it anyway! -Steven Curington

Our goals have grown away from asking people to help us with this project and that project.  Our need been met so many times simply because we asked God to meet then and shortly thereafter someone requested information on our needs and then just like that, the needs were met.

So please pray over our needs in your spare time…at least once! How about now? There are just a few….

Womens Home:

• Twelve girls to fill beds in the new home.  Reduced tuition for them if needed and accepted.
• A 15-passenger van, used but nice, for the Joy Belle’s summer tour.
• A 30 or more shuttle bus to transport ladies to work, church, and back.
• An “In Memory” or “In Honor” donor for the south wing rooms.
• A “Window of Opportunity” for individual donors to purchase a window for the girl’s bedrooms.Current windows are worn and will not last until or through winter.
• The commercial kitchen will remain closed until we can fill it with used, but nice, commercial kitchen appliances and equipment. One need at a time is our goal.  Though the home opens this week, the cafeteria will remain shuttered till God meets that need.

Men’s Home:

• Nine men to fill beds in the existing home. There is some tuition money available through the Timothy Fund to help a few.
• Tuition dollars “in memory” or “in honor” of someone you love to help men and women attend our program who could not otherwise afford it.

National Ministry:

• We need one man to fill a role of Marketing/Public Relations and Communications.  This interested candidate must be gain his Pastor’s permission before sending his resume and would require his move to Rockford preferably by June 15.
• We also are need of a strong Operations Director.  Someone who understands people movement, policy informant personal management and problem solvement.  This person works for me and oversees 75 staff, students and volunteers. Both positions report directly to Bro. Curington.
• We need talented graphic designers to assist our workload in our creative department.  This person does NOT need to relocate to Rockford, but will work independent of headquarters on plan preparation.  Chosen candidate will work for Will Fowler.

National Conference of Workshops: The Way is Agape!

To say that I am excited about this year’s conference is an understatement would be unparalleled in our ministry.  My excitement has been replaced with personal refinement.  I am learning so much about our topic of love and its alternative forms offered by man-Phileo; and what is offered by the enemy-Eros. I cannot wait to teach you what I have learned and the lessons I have spurned in an effort to become addicted to aggressive striving in the work of my ministry.  This aggressive striving led to an addiction to affirmation of those whom I strived to serve, whether students or pastors.  This addiction led to be seek the affirmation and praise of man.  This reciprocal cycle caused me to abandon what is common among family-time and energy; for that which was being blessed by my calling-my ministry.  I would tell my family I loved them, but when the day was done and I had only two weary hours left before their bedtime, they could sense something wasn’t right.  Disappointment and regret, rather than appreciation and affirmation set in and I was doomed.  Not making my family happy, with my people, staff and students struggling with many wants demanding they be met, they often voiced their great displeasure with me.  With vendors and customers waiting for money or product that we could not deliver and with churches dropping support regularly, I became a man not only unappreciated, I became a man most miserable whom people sensed the only way to help me was to request of me that which would only make me more miserable!

It is at this time I refined our topic to “The Way is Agape:  Learning to Live for the Audience of One!” As we teach, train, and coach your workers to this all important intimacy with the Father, we must understand how important that it be to us.  It must be our all sufficiency.  It must give us humility, transparency, sensibility and accountability.  And then, the way others feel for you or about you will change.  Not because they will cease to love you, but rather love you more because you are not expressing to them the Father’s love which has been bestowed upon you.

We surely hope your church and chapter can attend this year’s event.  Mark your calendars – Monday, September 27^th through Thursday, September 30. The Formal Banquet will be the evening of the 29^th.  You won’t want to miss this yearly awe-inspiring highlight.

RIP – Reformers Institutional Program

Here is a testimony from an incarcerated individual participating in the program:

“I love RU. My parole officer introduced me to the program. It is much better than A.A. I was saved back when I was 20 years old and in the U.S.M.C at Camp Pendleton, CA, but didn’t stay with the Lord. I was baptized in Oceanside, CA. I always felt a pull to God but didn’t know how to go to Him. I was brought up with a God who only punished, and I wasn’t taught about God’s loving side. I spent many years in prison for the crimes I committed. Being in Reformers has changed my life for the better. My family and friends (the few I have left) have seen a change in me. The nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, next to God’s gift of Jesus’ sacrifice and the Holy Spirit, was introduce me to R.U. My life will never be the same.”

- Jerry B. in New Jersey

(Click here to read other testimonies…)

It is exciting to see the continual growth of the Reformers Institutional Program (RIP) here and abroad. Testimonies like the one above come into our offices every single day. It is even more exciting to hear of those men that have been released from incarceration that have joined both the Friday night RU programs and local churches across this country. There is an exciting parallel going on between ministering to those that are incarcerated while at the same time ministering to their family members in the community through the local RU Chapter. We have discovered that, because of their stronger relationship with God, the reunion of the incarcerated with their loved ones is much sweeter, and the end result is families joining local churches all across America. If you are interested in starting a RIP program in your community please contact our offices at 815-986-0460, ext 150, or email us at rip@reformu.com.

Note to current RIP Programs:

Recently we were made aware that the bookmark awards for the RIP program are not able to go into a large majority of the jails and prisons, therefore we have discontinued these items and made certificates for those challenges. We have limited supplies of those bookmarks still available, and if your program allows you to use them you may purchase them through the sales manager, Barry Curington, at sales@reformu.com.

Rockford Training Days

The increased number of chapters this year encourages us. We have started nearly 50 chapters since January 1^st, using our new model of director training. Recently, we sent an email to pastors and directors of current RU chapters, encouraging them to attend one of these conferences here in Rockford to get retraining and re-certification in operating an RU Program. We have been surprised by the numbers of leaders, helpers, and even students that have attended these classes on overcoming stubborn habits and effectively helping others in your community. We invite you to learn more about these free opportunities of training by going to http://register.reformu.com/. Please note that this training would not be superior to that of our National Conference, but it would be a great addition to anyone or any chapter that is currently struggling.

RU Schools of Discipleship

“Looking back, I never would have seen it coming, and if you would have told me that my first hit of marijuana would have lead me to becoming a heroin addict, I wouldn’t have believed you. Because of my rebellion to God, I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol when I was 14 years old. By the time I was 19, I had already been to jail on numerous occasions. The last time I was arrested there was no hope of a release anytime soon. That’s where I heard about the Reformers Unanimous program. I started to attend the program, and gave my heart and my life back to God. Then I got court ordered to the Men’s School of Discipleship in Rockford, Illinois. There, I learned what it really meant to walk with God, and what it meant to study the Bible. Through the It’s Personal Daily Journal, and the Strongholds Study Course, I learned what it meant to be discipled and worship God. The accountability taught me about the structure and discipline I never had as a fatherless teenager. The daily counseling with the Stewad, Jeff R., got me through most of the program. He was always turning my heart towards God. The constant accountability also helped me to learn that freedom is found in boundaries. Today, I have the wonderful privilege and opportunity of not only studying for the work of the ministry in Bible College, but also working full-time in ministry underneath my pastor. I thank God almost everyday for the RIP Program that introduced me to Reformers Unanimous, as well as the School of Discipleship for changing my life.”

- Michie D. in Illinois

(click here to read more testimonies…)

There are people like Michie all across America who want help and are searching for freedom, but they cannot do it on their own. They need the extra accountability of an in-patient program. They can follow the same path to freedom and success. If you know of someone who could benefit from our 8 to 10 month Schools of Discipleship, please email us at weneedu@reformu.com or call us at (815) 986-0460 ext 115. We love you…at RU!

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“Owe no man anything, but to love one another…” (Romans 13:8.)

Recently in my travels, I realized that everyone is not an expert traveler like I have become! All joking aside, I began to notice people trying to get through the TSA lines that were unaware of the rules and regulations.  However, I also began to notice how these novice travelers were being treated by those who had a “job” to do. As I proceeded through the major international airport of Chicago, the Holy Spirit made me aware of others who could use a “helping hand.”

One such instance was a gate change, which caused over 200+ people to move from a C gate to an E gate. Since I spend almost every weekend at O’Hare International Airport, I know that this is a 25 minute walk or there is a bus that will take you there in just a couple of minutes. However, no one seemed to care to give this information, and many were just puzzled on how to get to where they needed to go.

Another such instance happened on the airplane, where I was sitting in “bulkhead” (the first seats behind first class.)  A traveler, who does not normally sit in bulkhead, was attempting to keep a large backpack on the floor in front of her.  I knew that once the airline attendant came through to check, this lady would be required to gate-check her bag, causing her much inconvenience, as the bins overhead were filling up fast.

During both of these situations, I had a decision.  I could selfishly enjoy my “typical Saturday morning commute” and keep to myself or I could heed the Holy Spirit and pay the “debt” in His power with the fruit He produces called love.

That morning, I had read the verses Romans 13:8-14, which includes the verse in the heading. I began to contemplate how much the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit loved Ben Burks – me! I believe every morning we ought to wake up and “take a bath in God’s love.” I think everyday we ought to try and feel loved by the Father. Every one of us needs a Resourcing of love. You can find this through God’s Word. From Genesis to Revelation is one enormous Book on the love of God. You can also be reminded of God’s love in a good song and hymn book from your church. One such song goes “Oh, the love that drew salvation’s plan; oh, the grace that brought it down to man.” Or maybe even the little song, “I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves even me.” Not only did I take a bath in God’s love that day, but I began to notice others to whom that love needed to be demonstrated.  Praise the Lord I heeded His leading and paid “love” to others in need of help.

It has been my observation that the biggest problem we have is the fact that love is lacking in the places where it is needed the most with the people who deserve it the least. There are many selfish reasons why we withhold love to those who need it the most and deserve it the least….but the truth is every one of us fall into this category as one of those people!

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. To give and not expect anything in return is what lies at the heart of love. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get…only what you’re expecting to give – which is everything. It’s easy in our world today to look around and see the appearance of chaos, difficulty, and strife; yet when we our hearts are open to His love, we can always see our opportunity to pay a debt of love.

P.S. Before you travel anywhere today – whether across the nation or across town or across your living room – take a bath in God’s love and share it along the way!

Have a wonderful day IN the Lord!

Benjamin R. Burks

Check out Bro. Burks’ great new book, “Recovery without Relapse“, available on ON SALE at the RU E-Store for $6.30, Normally $9.00

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Good Morning!  Looking again today at I Thessalonians 2, I want to direct your attention to verse eleven.  Paul likens his balanced ministry to a father with his children, ^“As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children.” I know that not everyone has the privilege of growing up with a godly father who expressed his love and guided his children.  But, there is nothing sweeter than a close parent-child relationship.  My 12-year-old son, Justin, still comes in to say good night to me.  I would not trade anything for the time we spend together, talking about the things of God, praying for each other and for God’s work in our church and our lives. I have never seen a parent shout and berate a child into good behavior.  But, I have seen patience and love work amazing transformations.  This is true with all relationships. You are not going to shout anybody into getting right with God.  You are not going to criticize anybody into getting right with God.  You are not going to insult anyone into getting right with God. Remember, the “goodness of God leadeth [them] to repentance.”

When working with people, Paul reminds us in verse 12, “That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you into his kingdom and glory.” This is the vision that Paul and others had when they first came to Thessalonica; it had a vision that was “eternal”. Why do people do ministry? Why should we disciple others?  Sadly, some people do it for personal, selfish reasons. Paul said, “I want you to know that our vision for you is that you walk worthy of the vocation in which God has called to you; worthy of His kingdom; worthy of His glory.” Oftentimes, our efforts to help people with the truth of this Word are curtailed and hindered because we lose sight of the eternal nature of our purpose.  Paul and his team started out focused on the long-term goal, and they kept that focus no matter what else was going on around them.

After all is said and done, it really is not about our comfort.  It is not really about changing people to benefit us or even ultimately to benefit them. It is ultimately for Him.

The church in Thessalonica was not just great while Paul and Silas and others were there, because those people were not focused on pleasing Paul and others. They were not just “toeing the line” because someone, a spiritual leader, a mentor was overseeing them. They caught a vision that they could walk worthy of the vocation that God has called them fulfill. How do we “minister” when no one is looking?  We must walk worthy.  It is absolutely essential, but it will never happen unless we continually work in this matter of blending and balancing our mercy and truth in presenting God’s Word to others.  Your ministry, whether to an entire church or a single individual, will succeed to the extent that it matches this pattern established by Paul and his team.  Let us all learn from their example.

Have a wonderful day IN the Lord!
Dr. Paul A. Kingsbury

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Good “Monday” morning to all!  Last week, I wrote of the incredible power in a partnership. When we blend personalities, when we blend spiritual gifts, when we blend mercy and truth, God can use that to accomplish incredible things for His Kingdom.  However, when this pertinent blend of mercy and truth is not available, it hinders the work of the Lord. One of the complaints I hear most often from Christian people who are away from God is hypocrisy on the part of believers.  Sometimes, that is just an excuse for them; but unfortunately, the reality of how we personally live does not always match up with how we proclaim the truth.

You will undo all your efforts in trying to help someone by proclaiming the truth to them if, in the course of that process, your own dirty heart is manifested. If they find out that you have dirt in your life, you will have nearly ruined your opportunity to proclaim the truth to them in a meaningful, effective way.  Having been ministering for a long time does not protect you from falling.  The missionary team of Paul, Silas, Timothy, and Luke (a team of godly servants of the Lord in Thessalonica) were very, very effective because when they did proclaim the truth, they were bold in their presentation, and they were also pure in their heart.   Some people who have great boldness and know the truth wonder why they are ineffective in trying to help people and motivating them to turn their hearts and lives to the Lord. If that describes you, maybe you need to take a long hard look inside. Our ministry effectiveness is greatly hindered if we are not thoroughly right with God.

Then, Paul described a balanced ministry as being gentle in its demeanor. First Thessalonians 2:7 says, “But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children.” Paul boldly proclaimed the truth, but he did not sacrifice a proper demeanor.  You would not find that apostle becoming angry and mean spirited or vulgar in his conversations. You can speak the truth, but if you do it in a harsh or demeaning way, it ceases to be effective. Paul illustrates gentleness by talking about a nurse taking care of a little baby or a dear friend willing to give anything to another.

Paul also describes his ministry as that of one whose behavior is being carefully observed.  In verse 10, he said, “Ye are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe.” People are watching you all the time. They are not simply listening to what you say; they are watching how you live. Nothing undercuts the effectiveness of our message faster than people observing that we do not behave ourselves in a biblical way.  This is equally true whether we are teaching and training believers or trying to reach unsaved people with the gospel message. If you listen to the same jokes that everybody else listens to at the shop or your place of business; if you watch the same things; if there is no difference between you and the world, you might as well just be quiet.  Remember, no matter how gentle you are or how boldly you talk, your life is going to speak much more loudly.

Have a wonderful day IN the Lord!
Dr. Paul A. Kingsbury

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Dear RU Nation

MANUFACTURE RECALL:  Here at Adversity University, we have come to EXPECT bad things to happen for the good reason of glorifying God in all we do and say.  It has become our expectation that whatever could go wrong…should go wrong! And for that we glorify Him.  So it came as no surprise when our new awards vendor called and RECALLED our recently received name badges that had been on backorder for so long.   The claim was “faulty glue” on the first 1,000 of 5,000 received.  We have no way of knowing which ones went out that were faulty; but if you have name badges with pins falling off relatively easily, please do two things.  First – call us for replacement badges.  We are expecting a new shipment (to come within next few days) which will meet our product quality expectations.  Secondly -  glorify God with us in being chosen by Him to endure difficulty through a another “pop quiz” at Adversity University.

2010 INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE:  Adversity University XI.  Mark your calendars for September 27-30, 2010, for another exciting RU international conference! You won’t want to miss this year’s crucial teaching.  As we develop our ministries through seasons of change and times of disappointment, we want to clearly pronounce that the only successful form of ministry is and always will be an expression of the fruit of the Spirit – love.  Join us this year for “The Way IS Agape”. Experiencing, enjoying, and understanding God’s agape love is the “first love” that we ought to never leave as our ministries become taxed with difficulty.  Directors, this is the year to bring you students and leaders , more so than any other; for your love for them can only be matched by the love they could bestow upon others on His behalf.  Nearly 100 educational sessions on effective outreach (evangelism), in-reach (discipleship), up-reach (worship) and down-reach (Spiritual empowerment) will be offered.

REFORMERS UNANIMOUS SCHOOLS OF DISCIPLESHIP—MAJOR OPPORTUNITY!  We thank the Lord for the churches who have helped us influence more people with the curriculum of RU by opening their very own discipleship homes patterned after our program in Rockford, Illinois.  If your church is interested in a ministry such as this for your community, we are here to help.  Whether you need help with your business model, ideas for finding affordable housing, staff training or advice, we stand by to stand with you.

Not every chapter can be blessed with what God has given North Love Baptist Church and its RU headquarters.  Our beautiful facilities and trained staff and teaching grant your students an opportunity to experience residential discipleship with a quality that is hard to duplicate anywhere—to God be the glory!  As well, we are fortunate to be able to do so at a price much lower than secular or social treatment.  Though we cannot afford to be a completely free program like others who operate out of apartments or houses using limited staff, we also understand we also cannot possibly offer help to every single person RU reaches with the current size of the headquarters’ facilities.  This has allowed us to be blessed to send students to churches who stand in the gap with their smaller, but still effective discipleship houses.  Personally, I think there could be an RU patterned home in every state in America and every one of them could be kept full!  That’s how great the need is for our low cost option or other’s no cost option.

With that said, we still want the Rockford RU to remain the first option for your student’s intense discipleship.  We feel strongly in our residency discipleship program’s success rate.  We are pleased to report our program success has grown even more effective over the course of the last 18 months.  Our recent survey of grads or parents of grads reports increase of those experiencing victory in Christ over their addiction from 82% to 87%.  Equally high numbers (plus or minus a few percentage points) report being faithful to church and in a right relationship with their family.  God has been so good to these grads who have continued in the things that they have learned.

*****With the opening of the new ladies’ home, allowing us to move our graduate program into the Mulberry facility, Rockford can now open more beds for both men and women and reduce our overall operating costs.  This is a much needed relief for us and also gives us the ability to offer something we have wished for so long.  For those chapters or churches who love or prefer the Rockford Schools of Discipleship and would like to send someone here for FREE, I have a new funding system that will allow each chapter that qualifies to have a FREE scholarship to the men’s and women’s home (that’s two scholarships) available to them at all times.  That’s right FREE!  If you are interested in this, please email me at weneedu@reformu.com or call me personally to discuss.  I will only be offering twenty church scholarships.  We already have two churches who have qualified and have students attending for free right now!  Call my secretary, Beth, at extension 100 and tell her you’re interested in the Church Scholarship Program for more details*******

WOMAN’S PROGRAM LAUNCH:  After 18 months of reconstruction, our men’s schools of discipleship have nearly completed our R.U.T.H. Home.  As with any church-based building project, we have faced many difficult circumstances and much resistance.  Through it all, our testimonies remained strong and God’s glory and many miracles were enjoyed.  We thank God for these hard working men who worked this project at less than one third of every bid we had.  Though our men had to work through capital raising slowdowns and city and architect squabbling, their abilities and resolve have saved tens of thousands of dollars. This good stewardship has been blessed by God in many ways.  Effective April 1^st, we will begin taking applicants for this new home and have decided to increase our occupancy from 25 girls to 40 as God provides.  With a recent graduation bringing us down to 20 girls, we are going to use a limited time special to help us fill this beautiful building with precious and needy ladies.  Please be advised that we are offering a 50% scholarship to the first 20 applicants who screen successfully for our program.  If there is anyone in your RU ministry, church or family who has needs or has contemplated entering our program, now is the time to make every effort to get them here.  We hope this offer will be met with the enthusiasm necessary to stimulate your students to give residency discipleship a legitimate part of their lives for long lasting benefit.

Have a wonderful day IN the Lord!
Steven Curington
Watch our Friday Night Class Live at 7 p.m. tonight!  Click Here

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Good Morning! Thank you for taking the time to read what I believe to be very good news! Victory over sin is possible for the child of God. We do not have to continue in sin. God has made a way for His children, making us more than conquerors. We come to the ministry of the Holy Spirit which allows us to become victorious Christians. This can be accomplished in our personal, family, corporate, and church lives, through the ministry of the Spirit of God. In this series of blogs, we will look at the privileges of being a child of God and how it relates to living a victorious Christian life. There are five privileges of being a child of God through the Spirit of adoption. Today, we will discuss the importance of being adopted into the family of God and the first privilege of being a child of God; personal leadership of the Spirit of God in your life.

There is an amazingly powerful, encouraging, and motivating revelation which occurs when we realize that the Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of adoption. Through Him we have been adopted into a new family-the family of God. In John 14, Jesus encouraged His disciples as He went to Calvary saying, “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.” Comfortless in the New Testament is referred to as “orphanas”. He will not leave us orphaned or without parents. The Holy Spirit of God is referred to in Romans 8:15 as the Spirit of adoption. As such, He brings every born again saved person into the family of God.

The strategic placement of this “adoption” in Romans 8 reveals the realization that the kind of home we grew up in has an impact on our adult way of thinking. Praise God for the blood of the cross which allows our past to be forgiven. If any harmful or hurtful experiences exist, by God’s grace as we were forgiven, we’re given the opportunity to forgive those who hurt, neglected, abused, or abandoned us, providing us with freedom in our lives. Thank God that we don’t have to be victims of our past. The battlefields we face are often influenced by the caliber or character of the home in which we were raised. However, God has great news which He reveals to us in Romans chapter 8. He’s saying that through the mystery of the Spirit of adoption, no matter what our earthly family may have been like, we can be victors instead of victims due to our acceptance into a new family. This adoption is not a right, but rather a great privilege, which can’t be earned or deserved. When Christ takes us in, we’re not worth much. As sinners by choice and nature, we’re given the love and acceptance of Christ, the finest of fathers.

We’re adopted into a new family, however if we don’t appropriate or appreciate the benefits of that adoption, we forfeit the privileges. God chose us. We can choose to appreciate that privilege or focus on the negative family experiences of our past and fail to take advantage of, or appropriate our adoption, due to a bitter spirit. Privileges have to be appropriated if they are to become useful. Regardless of your past, if you are saved, you’ve been adopted into a new family. Jesus is the antithesis of your first father, the devil. You are now in an absolutely perfect family.

The first privilege of being a child of God is receiving the personal leadership of the Spirit in your life. The term “led” is used seventy one times in the New Testament. It has a focus that is extremely important. Its first usage is in Matthew 10:18, “Ye shall be brought before Governors and Kings.” In Matthew 21:2 when Jesus sent His disciples for a donkey colt to ride into Jerusalem, He said, “…bring them unto me.” This phrase is used in the same way as “led” in Romans 8:14. The Spirit of God in your life, as an adopted son or daughter of God, is not passive but very personal. It is not general but specific, nor is it distant but rather up close. The Spirit wants to move, lead, guide, and direct your life. When issues enter your life which are not readily dealt with using scripture, how does one know what to do? God has given a heavenly Guide. As we listen to the Spirit and seek to know His will, He will lead us in the right direction. Christ was led in His public ministry by the Spirit of God as well as in His personal life. In Matthew 4:1 Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness. Christ’s ministry, as He moved across Judea, Jerusalem, and Samaria, was directed by the Spirit placing Him in the right situations, with the right people and in the right positions to effectively deliver the gospel message. God also has a specific day by day walk and will for us.

His leadership, often times, may not make a lot of sense. It will always run contrary to your flesh, but you’ve been adopted and have within you a perfect leader. God wants to be part of everything you do. He’s not some potted plant inside of our lives. May we not resist the Holy Spirit, but rather yield and listen to His direction specifically in our lives. In the next two selections in this series on privileges of being a child of God, we’ll discuss the second and third privileges; consistent undying love, compassion, and protection of God, as well as the assurance we belong to the Lord. Serve God with your life today! There are great benefits on the other side.

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Jeremiah 29:14, “And I will be found of you, saith the LORD: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.”

About halfway through my program at the Women’s School of Discipleship, my daughter would hardly speak to me. If she did, it was to be obedient; but not because she wanted to. It was exactly what I deserved. Though she is my step-daughter, I had begged God for her and a great relationship with her, to the point of there being no difference that she was really not my child. I had become so ungrateful for what God had given me. I had thrown away what God gave me.

To say I came here willingly or that I wanted to stay in the Women’s Home would be a BIG lie. So when I read this verse the words driven and captive really grabbed me. I took this verse to God and asked for her back. After this I got to spend the entire summer with my daughter, and God knit our hearts together once again.

So…last Saturday, I went with Erika to take her daughter, Tabi, to Midway airport. On the way there I told her how earlier that week I had to make a decision about something before we left for work, and I wasn’t really sure if I had made the right one. In times like these, I always ask God to give me a sign to show me it will be fine. I prefer to see a cardinal. So, on the way to work that day on the shuttle a cardinal flew right up to my window and away! Praise God, it was what I needed.

In the van, I couldn’t help but look at Erika and remember when just a year ago we were praying and asking for our daughters back. We talked about that and praised God for what He has done for us. Our summer with our daughters has been an answer to our prayers.

But, that is not all!  When we got to Midway airport, right in front of the entrance to the concourse is a huge pointillism sculpture hanging from the ceiling. It is a sculpture of a cardinal!! It was amazing. And right in the middle of it is a tiny white bird.

I’m so thankful God to spend the entire summer with my daughter, and she is now in bible college! I’m thankful to God for the opportunity for giving me a place to be driven to and be captive in order to get a relationship with God!! I don’t want to ever take advantage of what God has given me ever again. Thank you God a thousand times over!!

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“I have not seen or heard from my son in four weeks. I know he was alive a month ago because he stopped by his grandparent’s house asking for food and money. You see, my son is running from multiple warrants for drug possession. I know that he has guns, and I’m afraid he’ll kill himself or someone else–including me. I’m actually praying he will get arrested and go to prison so that he can at least realize that he has a problem. This is the hardest, saddest time of my life, and if it were not for my walk with the Lord, I don’t know what I would do.  Even now I wonder if I can make it as I am increasingly overwhelmed with anxiety over whether my son is dead or alive. If it were not for the Reformers Unanimous program and the support of my leadership that I have found there, I don’t think I could carry on—it’s just so hard.”

The above is an excerpt from a letter written by a woman who is just like you and me.  What has happened to this woman, tragically, can happen to anybody.  Addiction is a problem that breaks down the walls of all socio-economic classes and devours whoever it can, regardless of their upbringing or background.  Imagine, if you will, the one whom you love–the happy, healthy, young person with a great future ahead of him; a talented student, a generous giver, a loving friend, a new parent, and they are losing everything to addiction!  All of their time and money goes into their addiction. They lose their job. Their car is repossessed, their house is foreclosed, and their spouse leaves them. The grief is unrelenting; it is almost worse than a death. A selfish, lying, evasive, and suspicious monster replaces your formerly happy and generous loved one. They get violent and abusive towards you. They may even threaten to harm you and steal from you.

When you approach your loved one about the situation, about the drug addiction, about the extreme consequences that are transpiring in their life, they will be in denial. They will outright deny any usage of drugs! Any drug paraphernalia that you might find in their room, house, or vehicle will belong to a friend, according to your loved one.  If you happen catch your loved-one with the drug in hand, they will most likely concede to using it, but they will vehemently deny they are addicted.  They may even say, “Somebody planted the drug on me!” “Oh, I have just taken it once or twice, and it is doing no harm!” They can even go to the length of saying, “I work better on this stuff. It helps me concentrate better!”  The person may tell you they can drive more safely while on the drug and that it helps them compensate for their shortcomings. They even go as far as to say they are doing it for your own good so that they can make more money, be more productive, get better grades, and be a better person for you.

At times, your loved-one may discontinue use of the drug for awhile in a feeble effort to prove to you that they are not an addict, but, unfortunately, they rarely can stay off for a very long time. They attempt this feat in order to demonstrate that they have some type of control over the situation (which they obviously don’t). Your loved-one thinks of it as a crutch, hobby, or choice. They use the drug as a medicine, and in their own mind and thought processes, it works! It gives them endless energy, a focus and drive they have never experienced.  Everything seems to be fun, interesting, and it feels so wonderful to be high and alive. They know they are dying from the consequences of continued use, but they do not care. It feels so good to die!

It is my desire in writing this information to help those who have an addicted loved-one. I want to help you understand what, exactly, is going on in your addicted loved-one’s mind and their life.  Hopefully my insights, both personal and observed, will give you guidance through this most difficult time in your life.

Signs of Addiction
The addict will, as already mentioned, often make your life miserable. They are self-centered, and extremely manipulative. They lie without even thinking about it. They even, at times, believe the lies they are telling you. Addicts can often be suspicious and paranoid. They can, on occasion, hallucinate and believe that their hallucinations are reality. They accuse people of conspiring against them. They accuse their spouse of unfaithfulness. This is all done in an attempt to deflect attention from them, and their issue. They deny the obvious. They do not show up for work and get angry and blame the boss when they are fired. They steal from their family, and when they are confronted about the issue, they get offended. They say one thing and do another. They contradict themselves in word and action, and when the truth comes out and they are confronted with it, they become angry and blame others for what transpired. While they are actively on the drug, they feel that they are invincible and that they will never get caught. If they have children, they inevitably end up neglecting them or even abusing them. You see, the addict is caught up in his own little world, and he becomes incapable of caring about anything but his drug.

Denial
You can’t reason with an addict. Just telling them that the drug is destroying them won’t even slow them down. The drug addict truly believes they are in control. This is what is often called denial.  Denial is nothing more than a defense mechanism whereby painful realities are ignored, or explained away. Addiction is centered on escaping ones reality, and so truth is avoided, denied, and sometimes whole new realities are created in an addict’s imagination to avoid the truth.

Due to the addict’s false sense of reality, they believe that all of the actual or potential damage you talk to them about could only happen to somebody else; all addicts are convinced that they are the exception. You can only point out to your loved-one what the drug is doing to their life right now. You tell them that they messed up at work, and got fired. You can let them know that today their spouse moved out, and filed a restraining order against them. In many cases, you are going to be the only reality-check your loved-one has. And although it seems useless, it is important to continue to speak the truth to the addict regardless of their denial.

If you protect them from the results of their drug use, you are not doing your job. In fact, you are hurting them by enabling them.  You have to force them to face the consequences of their drug use. The drug addict is making everybody’s life around them miserable. They think that nobody knows that they are using drugs. They even think that it is nobody’s business, and they have the right to do whatever they want to do. On and on they go down this destructive path.

Understanding Guilt
Addicts know what buttons to push to make you feel guilty and sympathetic.  Sooner or later, most parents or families of addicts go through a stage of intense guilt over what has happened to their child or loved-one. They might say, “If I had only been a better father, a better mother, a better brother or sister, a better husband or wife, a better child, perhaps then my loved-one would not be an addict”.  These thoughts are often Satanic, for once you accept the responsibility, and ask for forgiveness you are under no condemnation.  In reality, your loved-one, who is in active addiction right now, has made the choice for himself.  The responsibility for his addiction is 100 percent his own. Yes, the ground around them may have been fertilized by a myriad of negative influences–such as bad choices, bad actions, bad language, and bad advice– but they are ultimately responsible for the choice of continuing to live in their addictive behavior.

The addict will use your guilt in an attempt to get you to continue to help support their drug habit. They will attempt to force you to tolerate behavior that is completely unacceptable. We must not allow this ploy to work!  As one looks back over his life, he can always think of something he could have done differently. Each and every person could do this. There are always things that could have been said or done differently or more correctly. However, it must be understood that the addict continuing in their destructive behavior is their fault alone–and nobody else’s.

Your addicted loved-one may blame you for their drug addiction, but the first step in their recovery is to take responsibility for their actions.  REMEMBER: It is NOT your problem; it is THEIR PROBLEM!  We must be certain of this lest your loved one capitalize on your guilty feelings and use them to manipulate you.  It is typically very difficult for the addict to accept responsibility for his addiction.  To do so requires that they admit that they are wrong, and made a mistake; and, of course, they don’t want to do that!  The addict can’t bear to acknowledge that he has caused so much pain and destruction in his own life as well as the lives of those closest to him.  Coping with these emotions is extremely painful for the addict, and the shame associated with this lifestyle is immense. Therefore, rather than taking responsibility, they try to blame you for everything.  The addict will often point to things such as your parenting style, your career or lack thereof, the neighborhood that they were raised in, the amount of time that you spent with them, the people you associated with, etc.  This list can go on and on as the addict will never cease to come up with viable excuses.

Knowing that there is no end to the list of things that an addicted loved-one can find wrong with you to explain their addiction, we must draw lines and set limits. We must stand firm and maintain that the addict alone is the one responsible for his responses to the world around them– including any imperfections and limitations that you may have.

Addiction prevents the addict from focusing on personal development, and because of this addicts are typically immature.  An addict copes with life by refusing to take responsibility for his own actions; they have learned to deal with conflict by simply avoiding or escaping it.  If they have a fight with their parents, they go out and get high.  If they have a problem at school, they come home and get high.  Lots of children grow up in homes just like yours, and they did not become addicted.  Your loved-one is not the only person that grew up without a father.  He is not the only one who grew up in a rough neighborhood.  He is not the only one that grew up with an older brother (or sister) that was much more talented than him.  He is not the only one that grew up in a poverty-stricken family.  Don’t let your loved one make you feel guilty for the things you had no control over, or had no way of knowing about.  Even in the direst situation, where a child may have even been abused, that child makes their own choice about continuing to use drugs.  He continues to choose to respond to life by escaping, avoiding, and using drugs instead of coping.

If you don’t understand the truth behind accepting the blame, your addicted loved-one will continue to lie and manipulate your compassion, take advantage of your trust, and mock your mercy.  They know you love them, and they take advantage of that fact.  They will milk you for all you are worth.  They may live in your back bedroom or basement, and they may disappear somewhere for days getting high and then expect you to allow them to crash at your place. Every time they decide to quit, your loved-one will want money for rehabilitation, medicine, etc.  They say it is different this time. They are safe now, and they have Jesus, so they do not need rehabilitation.  More of the same old lies—and we all too often fall for it!

The first step in breaking the bondage of this most destructive lifestyle is accepting the Truth, which is Jesus Christ.  But, that is only the beginning.  To find and walk in freedom, and to break the bondage of the destructive lifestyle, your loved-one will need intensive rehabilitation.  One proven method of rehabilitation comes in the form of a highly structured discipleship program—Reformers Unanimous is one of the world leaders in providing this service. Whether it’s attending a local chapter in the area or enrolling in the Men’s or Women’s Schools of Discipleship (in Rockford, Illinois), Reformers is sure to be life-changing for any addict.  Many addicts will take Jesus as their Savior and have nothing to do with Him in their daily life. You must insist that your loved-one enters into a recovery program through the Reformers Unanimous Program.  Reformers will not allow your loved-one to deceive any longer.  If your loved-one refuses to attend Reformers Unanimous and instead opts for an “easier, more comfortable” option, it is likely that he is conning you yet again.

Co-dependency
An inability to sustain oneself without the cooperating power of another who is equally, but differently, in need of sustenance.

Co-dependents need each other for different purposes.  Usually the addict is dependant upon getting their needs met apart from God.  They do so through the help of a cooperative fellow dependent.  The other dependent party is usually unable to sustain oneself unless they are meeting people’s needs.  Being the only means of support of a dependent person is the source of their strength.  One is dependent on being supported; the other is dependent upon supporting.  One could say that co-dependents are a match made in hell.  This behavior often manifests itself in a love-hate relationship.

Enablement
Enablement is furnishing sufficient power for one to overcome through humanity what God intends to be accomplished through His Trinity.

Enablement is different than co-dependency in that the enabler does not assist out of personal dependence, but rather out of their individual reliance.  The enabler most often struggles to accept God’s sovereignty in the life of their loved-one.  These “bouts with doubt” lead them to rely on their own devices.  Their enablement is intended to empower a failing person to lighten the consequences of their mistakes.  Although well-intentioned, this is usually done out of self love.  Self love is a legitimate natural love, but it has selfish motives. Frequently, the selfish motive is fear of letting go or losing control of the dependent one.  This behavior manifests itself in help that hurts.

The deepest grief in the world is watching your loved-one die a slow death right before your eyes. They are still alive on the outside, but dead on the inside. Your loved-one will lie and steal and manipulate you with promises, only to break them time and time again. It seems as if they just don’t care!  Their heart, in a sense, has died.  Sometimes you wish you could just close the casket and get on with your life.  If you have an addict living in your home, you will eventually have to put them out.  That’s right, put them out.

You may put off making this decision as long as you want to, but you are not helping them by letting them stay high all the time at your home. When you feed them, and give them a place to stay, you are enabling them to keep using. By your actions, you are encouraging them to continue in their addictive lifestyle. They will stay high for as long as they can get away with it, everyday doing more, and more damage to themselves as well as everyone around them. The kindest thing you can do for your addictive loved-one is to kick them out of your home if they don’t respond to your offer to help.

When the prodigal son (mentioned in Luke 15:11-32) went off to the far country, he did not come to his senses when there was plenty of money around and partying going on.  He woke up to reality when he was feeding hogs, and getting really hungry.  The only way you can help your loved-one that refuses to get help is by allowing them to hit rock-bottom sooner rather than later. Let them hit bottom before they have sustained so much physical and mental damage that their life, in all essence, is destroyed.

Your addicted loved-one might have to live there for a while, but they will eventually get tired of living at rock-bottom. They will beg and plead, and deny they are using. They will ask for money. They will want to use your car. They will beg you to give them a little more time to get back on their feet. You have to cut them off completely! Don’t lie for your loved-one to their boss. Don’t give them the one hundred dollars they want, and don’t make their car payment for them…THE ONLY WAY TO HELP IS TO LET THEM FAIL!  Let them get fired, let them be hungry, force them to walk and not drive!

They might end up homeless–living in a dumpster, hungry, jobless, and alone– but they must face the hard, cold reality of their destructive lifestyle that they have chosen.  An addict is not going to quit using until they hit rock-bottom.  Rock-bottom, simply put, is the place where the painful consequences of addiction exceed the pleasure of that addiction. The addict may hit rock-bottom in the county jail, when the car is repossessed, when the husband or wife leaves, or when the children are taken away from him or her.  They might hit rock-bottom when they are hungry and the family abandons them.  They might hit rock-bottom when there is no place to crash anymore.  Don’t let them continue to play games with you; do not take action to help your loved-one avoid hitting rock-bottom.

Again, only if your loved-one will not take serious action to get help with their addiction should you put them out of your home.  If they are willing to get involved in the local chapter of Reformers Unanimous, or go to the Men’s or Women’s School of Discipleship we should offer every ounce of support we can muster.

If your addicted loved-one is going to live in your home while attending a class or program you must have a strict regiment of conditions for them.  If time allows for it, make them get a job and go to work.  If they want a car, they can pay for it.  But, if necessary, they can walk to work.  If you give them a ride, make them pay for the ride even if it is only a small amount.  Even if you only charge them 25 cents it will still remove the appearance of “getting something for nothing”.  You can give them a safe place to live away from their ungodly friends, but if they live with you, insist that they pay rent and keep the place clean.  If they won’t pay the rent you charge, make them leave.  If they run up a big phone bill and won’t pay, make them leave. If they steal from you or threaten you, make them leave.  You must set limits and boundaries, real limits and real boundaries.   If you renege by not issuing appropriate consequences for rule violations you are only hurting your loved-one.  You must be stern.

It is important that you set the conditions for the addicted person; they must not have any input into this process whatsoever.  You have to get you loved-one accustomed to living on somebody else’s terms!  It is hard to see your loved-one eventually become homeless or to be put in jail  To observe this is surely one of the most frightening things a parent could observe, and nobody enjoys having to see this happen.  However, this system of hard-core reality is the only thing that the addict will acknowledge.  At this point you may ask yourself, “Why does it have to get so ugly?” Because it hurts bad to get off drugs.

The Choice
The withdrawal from a substance can truly be an agony that lasts for weeks, if not months.  The typical drug addict will do almost anything to avoid the discomfort of withdrawal.  Your loved-one will not start in this recovery program until they perceive that it will hurt worse to continue using then it would to get help (and face the withdrawals).  When it hurts worse to use than it does to quit, they will get the help they need, and they will make an honest effort to quit.  Don’t expect them to go through the discomfort of withdrawal just because you asked them to.  Drug withdrawals can include very severe symptoms such as intense anxiety, deep depression, fatigue, body aches, low grade fever, chills, and, much, much more.  Sometimes, the depression can linger up to one year, secondary to the fact of the drug-induced manipulation of the brain’s neurotransmitters, brain-cell injury, and even brain-cell death.

So, you do have a choice!  Making the appropriate choice will probably hurt.  Your loved-one will cry and scream and call you all sorts of names.  They may even threaten you or other family members.  They will tell you it will be different this time if you let them have their way.  Don’t fall for it!  Be willing to leave them at the RU discipleship homes if necessary.  They will say that they hate you and maybe even curse you every day, but that is okay and to be expected. Look at it this way: they are still alive to curse; they could be dead!  You are doing the right thing when you let them hit rock-bottom, but as mentioned before, they will make you absolutely miserable. Know that in the end, if they endure the pain of beating their addiction and succeed, they will forever be grateful for the sacrifices that you made.

Intervention
As you approach your loved-one in regards to the consequences of their addiction, you must come to them in a spirit that is not critical or condemning.  You want to take an approach that is strictly informative and empathetic, demonstrating your desire to help. As you approach the loved-one that is addicted, be ready to immediately offer options to help them break the bondage of their addiction and find freedom. Be ready to give them something concrete they can do today. Make sure that they understand, to the best of your ability, that you are offering help and not punishment.

When you approach your loved-one, have information about the Reformers Unanimous International ministry ready to show them.  This way, if they are receptive to your offer to help, you will be able to capitalize on their openness and not risk the chance that they may change their mind.  Furthermore, we recommend that before you confront your loved one, you speak to a Reformers Unanimous director in your area.  Ask the director if he would be present with you to help you and your loved-one start the process of finding freedom from addiction. Also for the non-functioning addict, you should consider investigating the Reformers Unanimous Schools of Discipleship in Rockford, Illinois.  At these residential homes, your loved-one will be afforded several months to separate from ungodly influences and transform their thinking through discipleship, and counseling. There, they will find a thorough discipleship program that will introduce them to the truth, and help them apply it to their daily lives.  Graduates of our discipleship homes have an 82% success rate over their addictions.

I do want to caution you, though. Be ready for denial and refusal to get help. Do not be discouraged!  The fact that your loved-one refused you today does not mean your attempt is a failure. Your loved-one has heard you, and needs time to think about it. An addict must want to be done with addiction in order to be successful in overcoming addiction.

Effects on the Parents Marriage
If the addict is your child, this can be very damaging and destructive to your marriage. An addicted child knows who the “softie” is in your home. If the addict is a son, it is generally the mother who is the soft one; if she is a daughter, it usually is the father who is the softer one. That being said, when the father gives up on the son and refuses to bail him out of jail, the mother takes over and believes whatever the child tells her. I have had mothers in this situation tell me, “It is different now. He just needs a little money to tie him over until he gets paid.” I’ve also heard, “His friends talked him into it. He did not want to sell the drugs.” Another quote I’ve heard from mothers is, “If we don’t give him food, he won’t have anything to eat.”

Sometimes, when the father resorts to “tough love” and “cuts off” his own son because of addiction, the mother gets angry. She may be feeling enormous guilt over what has happened to her son in the past. She will defend her poor little boy no matter what he does. And again, as I have mentioned, you can reverse the role in regards to the father and daughter. If dad and mom are not careful, the marriage can be fractured. The manipulative child will play one parent against the other. Another tactic the addict will use is when they accuse one parent of abuse and lie about the past to manipulate the sympathetic partner. Trust between spouses is destroyed, communication is broken down, and the child’s only hope for the discipline he needs is gone. Counseling for mom and dad is essential. Not only for the survival of their marriage but for the sake of the addicted child.

This is why it is imperative for you to get your addicted loved-one involved in a local chapter of Reformers Unanimous.  This is the very best thing you can do not only for the addict, but also for those who love the addict and are affected by his behavior. Go on the website (Reformu.com) and find a chapter close by to you, and then whole-heartedly dive into the program alongside your addicted loved-one. There, again, you will be introduced to the Truth–which is Jesus Christ. You will also be instructed on how to live and walk in the Truth. In doing so, you will help yourself, your marriage, and your family. It is the best tool that you can give your loved-one who is in active addiction right now.

Spouses of the Addicted
The situation for the spouse of an addict is a little different than that of parents of an addicted child.  Spouses have the additional pain of being rejected and being abandoned by their husband or wife.  Even if they don’t actually leave you, they are not the same person you married. The grief of watching the man, or woman you love die slowly is indescribable.

You remember the good times you shared together, and the love and joy you shared.  You remember the look that was on their face when you got engaged.  You see all of these things in your mind’s eye, and you just want to die because it hurts so badly.   Your addicted spouse gets enraged at little things.  They are angry and hostile one minute and happy and loving the next. You never know what to expect.  They make promises to do things with you and the kids and then don’t show up.  Many will, at times, become violent, and destroy household objects such as the children’s toys.  In a act of sheer desperation, your addicted spouse may go as far as to tear up the picture your child drew for them.  You have been abandoned, abused, rejected, and humiliated.  You are grieved at the loss of the relationship that you held with your spouse.

You must realize that you cannot fix your spouse.  As much as you love them, you cannot make them go back to what they used to be.  You can be there for them if and when they finally decide to take action, but until your spouse decides to get help your hands are basically tied.  One thing, and the best thing, you can do for you and your children is to get involved in a local chapter of Reformers Unanimous and diligently get to know Jesus Christ and walk with Him. This is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.  The RU program will teach you more about what your addicted spouse is going through and offer you the support that you need.  It will provide comfort to you in an otherwise helpless situation.  Additionally, if your spouse sees you faithfully attend each week, he or she just may become curious enough to try it out.

No matter how ugly life becomes as a result of your spouses addiction, don’t quit praying, and certainly don’t quit progressing in the Reformers Unanimous Discipleship Program.  As you and your children abide in the love and peace and joy and comfort of the Lord Jesus Christ, your spouse may continue to get worse.  Remember though that they must hit rock bottom in order to get better!  God is hearing, and He is answering your prayer.  He is taking your spouse to a place where there is nowhere to turn to except the Lord.

Prayer is a powerful tool that God has given His children.  God is not standing by helpless.  It may not look very pretty and may not be what you expected at all, but God knows exactly what He is doing.  God knows how to change a heart, not just the behavior.  In order to truly change behavior, there must first be a change of belief in an individual’s heart, and the only one that can do that is God.

Your addicted spouse has a choice in how they respond to God’s moving in their life.  God has chosen to give us all free will.  He has so much respect for our free will that He will not force us to respond to Him.  The Bible does not clearly tell us how long the prodigal father had to wait for his son to come back home.  It might have been days, weeks, months, and even years.  As the prodigal’s father felt, you too feel helpless and discouraged.  You want to do something to fix your spouse.  The most powerful thing that you can do, as we have already mentioned, is accept the truth and that is Jesus Christ.

You must abide in Him, walk with Him, and pray to Him.  It is easy to get discouraged because sometimes it does not look like anything is .happening, but you just keep walking with Jesus and praying.  The Holy Spirit is on the job working in your spouse’s life.  You can’t physically see it, but the Holy Spirit is working.  There is eternal stuff going on, and most of it is not visible to our physical eye.  You must realize that it takes incredible courage and strength to quit a drug habit.  It also takes brutal honesty and a real change of belief in the heart to escape the bondage of drug addiction.

Gods Role in Recovery
Your addicted loved-one cannot possibly beat addiction using their strength alone.  But, Jesus can do it in them.  He supplies the strength to become clean and to stay clean.  Most drug addicts are very lonely people.  They have run everybody off.  They really need a friend, somebody who understands them and really cares.  They need somebody that sees through the lies and won’t play games with them.  They need somebody that won’t condemn them.  In fact, the addict is typically looking for Jesus, but they just don’t know it consciously.

Every time you pray and as you walk with Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit speaks to your loved one’s heart.  He speaks peace, mercy, and love.  It might happen at two o’clock in the morning while they are sleeping off a buzz in the back seat of someone’s car, or it may happen when they hear a familiar Christian hymn.  It might happen when a stranger shows them just a glimpse of compassion.  Jesus knows when their spirit is open to hearing His soft, loving voice and it is then that the Spirit of God will speak!

His presence is so gentle and so tender that your loved one is drawn to it.  Oh yes, they might resist and certainly can.  But, His gentle voice, His compassionate invitation is always there.  It is like when Lazarus was dead in the tomb, no life, no joy, and no useful purpose in his dead body.  It really does remind you of someone living an addictive lifestyle.  But, as Jesus called forth to Lazarus to come out of that tomb, He is also calling to your loved one to come out of the tomb of addiction and to experience life in Him.

As your addicted loved-one responds to Jesus, they will then understand that they are not alone.  They draw close to His presence.  Jesus understands your loved-one.  He knows what motivates them and what they are really afraid of.  He knows what lies they believe, and He exposes the lie and teaches the Truth.  Pray that your loved-one accepts it!

The closer your loved-one gets to Jesus, the more they walk and abide in Jesus—meaning that they become more like Jesus.  They slowly take on the character of Jesus.  They submit to the Holy Spirit of God instead of submitting to the urges and passions of their drug of choice. They grow in the love of Jesus.  They respect and draw strength from Him.  They feel loved and valued by Jesus.  They heal inside.  They don’t need the drug to feel good any more.  Your addicted loved-one cannot play games with Jesus.  If they are honestly trying to stay clean, Jesus will continue to work with them.

The addicted can’t have their drug and freedom in Jesus at the same time.   Jesus will always hear your loved one’s honest cry for help.  He won’t play games if your loved one chooses the drug, and the drug is what they will get.  Jesus is only willing to help those who accept His help by faith.   As they experience the presence and power of Jesus, and as they continue in the discipleship program of Reformers Unanimous, I believe they will start valuing the presence of Jesus more than the high of the drug.

Your loved-one will find out that Jesus does not hang out with their drug friends, does not appreciate their lifestyle, and that He finds pornography offensive.  Jesus does not mind working with your addictive loved-one when they run into the wall of depression and when they are feeling tired and down.  Your loved-one will learn how to pray and work through their frustration and depression instead of drugging them away.  Jesus will help them grow.  Jesus will help them heal, and this healing is lasting and deep.

Your loved-one will begin to see as they progress through the Reformers Unanimous program, (whether it is at the local chapter or at the homes in Rockford) that they are changing. They will have a calmness and peace that does not need anybody or anything.  We find that when Jesus does something, He does it right and complete.  Your loved one can’t quit on their own strength. They can only quit in the strength of the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ living in them.  Your loved one will go through agony getting off the drugs. They go through this agony for the sake of the One who went through agony for them on the cross at Calvary.

A few weeks of discomfort is nothing in exchange for what Christ endured for all humanity.  The power to overcome addiction is found in one place—Jesus Christ!  Your loved-one needs this power, and Reformers Unanimous can give it to them!  Won’t you please allow us to introduce you to the help that you and your addicted loved one need?

Helping an addict through recovery can seem overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone we have a variety of options to help you in time in your life. You can browse the resources below or contact us at 815-986-0460 or email us at